The year just started and every day so far has felt like a battle field. There were moments last year when I felt waves of discomfort and unhappiness with where I was and what I was doing, but I knew that it was all part of the process. We have our highs and we have our lows, but we go through the motions anyway. But ever since this year started, I’ve been getting up each day, trying to rationalize why I was still doing what I’m doing, and coming to no good enough answer. And for the first time ever, I’ve never been more motivated to get the hell out of where I am.
The little voice in my head used to tell me to “be happy where I am”, and to “stick it out, it will be worth it.” I always felt it was best to not shake things up, because security and comfort were the norm. But I’ve spend the past two years living with security and comfort, slowly allowing my passions to die, the longer I stayed on. And now all I can hear is, “recreate your life.”
I’m in between borders. I came up with that blog title when my love for travel began. I loved the idea of exploring different places, hopping from one destination to another. I found so much thrill in an unchained life. But I’m realizing now that it doesn’t have to do with just travel. I’m right now, in between where I thought I should have been, and where I want to be. It’s a scary place to be in, especially if you’re afraid of heights and aren’t quite sure what you’re falling into. But sometimes you just know when it’s time to jump and fall and trust that God will catch you. And my time is now. Or this year, rather (let’s be real, I’ve had to make some careful calculations because I couldn’t be entirely aimless).
It might be a bit late for new year’s resolutions, but I promised myself that this year I will reclaim my life, lift it up, make the jump, and have faith that beautiful things will come.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
It’s almost midnight, I’m tucked in bed, sipping on a gin and tonic post-Facetime with James, who’d fallen asleep a few moments back. This is what my standard weekday night would contain – me, my best friend (who currently lives inside my phone), and the occasional poison. Tonight is a Thursday night, what could be more mundane than that?
Then in a few minutes, it’ll be Friday. And on Friday, I’ll remember yesterday, and the previous Thursdays, and Wednesdays and all other days. I’ll look back at the distant memories of the yesterdays past, and the days that came and went. On a Sunday I said yes. On a Monday I hopped on a plane. On a Tuesday I cried my heart out, said goodbye. On a Wednesday I slept. On a Thursday I fucked up at work. On a Friday my team almost won an award. On a Saturday I pushed my body to its limits. And on the next Sunday, I found rest. The days were fleeting, and so were each moment of happiness, pain and anger. Each day held its own story, most of which I won’t even remember. But each forgettable and mundane story has brought me to this one – a Thursday-now Friday midnight with my glass emptied, and my heart filled with gratitude.
It’s been a very long while since I’ve spent time with just myself, doing my gratitude checks, so this Thursday evening hasn’t been so mundane after all. Since my glass has been emptied, I’m getting ready to pour myself one final cocktail, and all I can say now is “thank God it’s finally Friday.”
We met 6 years ago at a retreat, he thought I was intimidating with dark eye liner and displeased look. But I remember being so fascinated that he was brave enough to share his life story to a room filled with strangers.
A year later we started spending more time together, but in groups. The first time we hung out, he picked me and my friend up, his car was packed. On the way to our hangout spot, he was on the phone with his friend when suddenly he stopped mid-way through his sentence saying, “noooooo.” His phone had died. A couple of minutes later. He slowed down his car and it came to a stop, once again saying, “noooo” under his breath – the car was completely out of gas. I remember being one of the few, along with 2 other boys, who did a gasoline run for him. I never let him live it down.
Fast forward two years later, and we find ourselves on the same love boat and that pulled a titanic on us, but with different people. At that time, the patterns of our stories brought us closer to each other. Others saw something developing but I guess I hadn’t yet. Maybe the timing wasn’t right. Or maybe I just didn’t see him that way at all. Yet.
Fast forward another two years, and again we’re on the same sinking ship again. It always seemed to happen that way, but we were both dead set on staying single. He would be migrating, and I just knew that there wasn’t anyone worth the trouble left.
A couple of months later, our plans for ourselves fell through. We both tried so hard to keep anything from happening. But obviously God had something better for us in mind – in His timing, it was meant to happen, so it did. And by word, it’s been amazing.
Now, 6 years from the time we met, he’s going onto another adventure, one far away from home. Distance was never a friend of mine, but now I’m starting to warm up to it. As difficult as what the next couple of years will be like, I can’t ever complain about it. God made this happen, and God has blessed me so abundantly with this and everything we’ve been through since we’ve met.
He’s been my best friend since then, and he’ll be moving on to an exciting new life. How lucky he is to have that opportunity – it’s one that I wish I had as well. But how lucky am I, that at the end of the day, he’ll be coming home to me? I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Continue reading “js”→
Too often I find myself trapped by a vision, running away from the future or hiding in the past.The present means nothing.
I love just to fill a deeper aching but forget that I’m almost empty. I’m blown away by the wind when I should be dancing to the breeze. The waves pull me deeper barely cleansing my sins. And when the light floods in, I choose to close my eyes and let darkness take over.
But in the quiet corners of the night, my restless heart comes alive. It tells me to stop giving up, and to start giving in. I don’t fight back. Because maybe I’m ready to finally let go.
1. School isn’t all that important. Real learning happens outside, through experiencing life and interacting with different people.
2. No man can save you from cockroaches. But you’re probably strong enough to kill it on your own.
3. Being a good person doesn’t exempt you from getting hurt by others.
4. Two hours at the gym isn’t going to give you instant abs (no matter how much you push yourself).
5. No one is ever who they seem to be. It’s important to know what masks look like, how thick they are, or how deeply fused into skin they are.
6. You will find a song that will make you fall in love, and then the next day, it’s gonna hurt to hear it. Life’s funny that way.
7. Not all friendships are worth fighting for. Moreover, true friendship also means knowing if it’s time to let go and move on.
8. You most likely have the ability to sing well. It just takes a little confidence.
9. Everything that happens in your life happens because of the decisions you make. It may or may not be karma working, but in the end you lead yourself to our own destiny.
10. Cheating your diet doesn’t hurt for the moment, ‘til you realize you slipped back to your unhealthy lifestyle.
11. Hurting others doesn’t make you bulletproof.
12. Unless you buy that super cute pair of boots now, you’re gonna watch someone else buy it, wear it, and enjoy it because you were too late.
13. You will eventually learn to laugh at your failed love life, and those sad songs won’t be so sad anymore. Sometimes you may be horrified at the people you once dated, asking God “why.”
14. I’m just trying to say that time will always heal a broken heart.
15. But Valentine’s day will still always be the most annoying “holiday.”
16. No matter what sober, drunk, or high state you’re in, your heart will always know what it wants. It isn’t as fickle as the brain.
17.There are only two consequences of telling a person you love them: they feel the same way or they don’t. If they do, great. If they don’t, you are still brave and strong for loving anyway.
18. Investing in people is always a good decision. You either change their lives, or your life is changed.
19. Getting out of bed and living life is an every day choice, but regardless…
I keep a dream journal that I update every time I have a new life goal. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of things to get me to conquer each little mountain I put up. Like I got an internship, I’ve been doing Yoga, I’ve been studying more, I’ve been [trying to] step up with Church work, and of course I’ve been praying more. Yet with everything that I’m doing, the life I’m living isn’t moving forward. It made me question a bit if those dreams I had were really meant for me. I know that what I’m doing, what I can do will earn me a lot of money, fame, and even some form of happiness because they’re things I really love doing. But then what? What happens when I’m at the top of my game, but still doing the same thing over and over?
I didn’t realize ’til recently that what I truly want is to live life in different places. I’ve never been the type of person to miss home too much. Ironically though being alone in a strange place scares me to death, but I think it’s the good kind of “death”. Like I’m letting go of a part of me that I should have let go of a long time ago. I guess it’s because traveling thrills me. I haven’t been to a lot of places, but every time I leave home I feel completely renewed. I don’t know if I’m romanticizing my experiences too much, but for the past couple of months, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’m always more inspired, I work better, and I’m more motivated in general every time I come home from a trip.
Being in transit puts me on a high
I guess it’s when I’m away from everyone that I get to really reevaluate my life and what I want to do. Things back home are always too noisy, too dramatic. Something is always happening. People are obsessed with doing this or that, and if I can’t join them, I practically miss out on what would be a month’s worth of stories. When I do miss out, my mind goes on overdrive thinking about how things would be different if I were with them for that night. So in a way, being alone back home isn’t an option either. But when I am away, I have no other choice but to sit with myself as company. And I like it. I find that quiet stillness that I can never get at home.
During my last trip to La Union I met a Swedish guy who’s been in the country for a couple of weeks already. My friends and I were sitting on the benches outside our hostel, all of us glued to our phones. He was sitting across us and he laughed at us, saying how ridiculous we looked. I suddenly became so conscious. Is that the kind of culture I wanted to carry with me wherever I went? I realized that I carried the habits that I developed back home – I absolutely needed to be connected to everyone just so I wouldn’t miss out. He was right, we all looked ridiculous. We were so concerned with being connected to our home, that we couldn’t even give five minutes to be connected to a completely new place. So I stopped and put down my phone for the rest of the trip (for most of the trip at least). Anyway, his remark started the conversation that made me realize my life dream.
He told us his story and it started two years ago, on a Friday night at 9pm when he came home from a long day at work. He was supposed to go out but he didn’t want to anymore because he was so exhausted. And then that’s when he said to himself, “is this what my life is for? I work so hard for money but in the end I can’t even enjoy it because I’m always so tired.” The next week he told his boss that he quit, they tried to convince him to stay and even offered a year long sabbatical but he was so sure that he wanted to quit. Then he sold all his stuff and hit the road. He lived in Indonesia for a year, he mentioned that he was in Fiji, then he’s been traveling the Philippines. I forgot what other countries he’s mentioned, but for the past two years he’s been going around, with all the money he got from selling everything. I could not decide if he was a total idiot or one of the bravest men I’ve ever met.
For some reason though that conversation never left me. All I have been thinking about since then is moving away. I realize that I can’t be here anymore, not because of any dramatic reason like I’m heartbroken or depressed or whatever, but simply because I know there’s more that I can pick up if I’m constantly going places. I knew for a long while that I never wanted to remain in one place. At one point though I told myself that I needed to stay home because it would be too difficult to leave everyone I grew to love behind. Now however I realize that is one sacrifice I need to make, I can’t have the physical presence of my friends forever.
Because saying goodbye to someone or some place always means saying hello to another
I want to live life on the run. I don’t mean running away from something, but constant forward motion. Going to new places every single time. Picking up new lessons from different experiences away. Investing in the different people I meet wherever I go. I don’t want to remain standing in the same position for the rest of my life – and no, weekend-long vacations do not count as movement for me. I want to actually live somewhere different for months at a time. I want to feel that I’m actually part of something else, something more than just what I’m familiar with. I want to be brave like that man, to let go of everything I’m holding on to here at home – money, comfort, technology. I want to take risks and know that whatever happens, it’s worth it anyway. I want to live homeless, and know what simple living is like. I want to live life with open arms, and not with clenched fists like I am now. I just want to travel, earn a living doing some freelance work, give back to the people I’ve learned from, and just really feel that I’m truly connected to this world. That’s the life I dream of.
To be free, to be connected, to be complete
Five years ago, I entered a stranger’s house with a bunch of my friends. The place was packed with people, girls I knew and guys I had yet to know. Lightly spiked cocktails were being passed served and those who were brave enough, accepted the drinks. We played party games to break the ice, yet still I still found myself awkwardly trying to strike up a conversation with whoever stood next to me. I was 14, a high school sophomore, dewy-eyed, and without a care in the world – and I was attending my first soiree at my would-be best friend’s house.
Tonight, I entered that same house alone this time. Everything was familiar, the steep driveway, the 10-foot wooden front door, the black marble floors, down to which piece of furniture went where. Nearly everyone was a stranger again, but I went to the table filled with the people I’d met 5 years ago. We’d all grown up – gone are the metal-mouthed, acne-ridden adolescent days. We were all dressed in smart attire, with our hair styled, looking clean and mature. We’re all in our 20’s (or nearing it at least) and we’d come a long way. But it wasn’t in what we were wearing or how we looked that the past five years all converged in. Instead, it was in one single person: my best friend’s 3-month old child. Today, September 29, 2013, baby Lucas was baptized and we all came to celebrate it.
This night was incredibly surreal. Five years seems like such a short amount of time in the average human lifespan, but looking back at everything that happened, it feels like a whole lifetime. A lot of old memories were dug up tonight; from all the wasted nights at that house, to the people we’ve dated, to the awkward moments in our lives. We all laughed about it, but going beyond the good times, I realized how much we’ve all changed. Back then I was a young and innocent high schooler, the stereotypical uptight Catholic schoolgirl who hated boys. Now I’m in university, doing ministry work, interning in an art store, and just living life the way I want to.
I can only imagine how it feels like for my friend. When I first met him, I didn’t think we’d become friends at all. It was only 2 years later, that we started spending more time together, and I watched him grow so much. I’ve seen all his screw ups, his victories, his heartbreaks. Who knew that the boy who owned the house we had our soiree in would become one of my closest friends? And who knew that one of my closest friends would be a father now? I can’t even begin to explain how proud I am of him, seeing how far he’s come. His 15-year old self would look at who he is now and would most definitely say “I never expected this, but I’m so happy for you, and I’m proud.” And then I look at myself again, and I know my 14-year old self would say the same thing about me.
It’s in taking a step back from who we are, that I see how life means growth and constant change. I have no reason to be disappointed in who I am, because who I was would love the me now. And if I can’t help but still feel dissatisfied, then who I am now will love who I will become. I’m proud of myself. I discovered friendship, success, defeat, courage, loss, love. I’ve made terrible mistakes, but I’ve learned not to make them again. I’ve pushed people away, but I’ve learned the joy in letting them in. I’ve screwed myself over, but I’ve discovered who I am and ultimately who I want to be.
Five years changes a lot of things. I look at the next five years of my life and everything is hazy. I have great plans for myself, but I do know that not all of them are going to happen, simply because people change and I may not want the same things in the future. But regardless of what happens, whatever highs or lows I go through, I’m definitely going to be proud of myself.
To baby Lucas: you don’t know it yet, but I’m so happy to have met you today. You were a pleasant surprise to all of us, and beyond that, you let me see how everything just falls into place even when life feels like crap. You’ve made me see that although five years seems so short a time, a lot can change. Plans will be different, some won’t be fulfilled, some will be even beyond our wildest dreams. And there will be a lot of bumps along the way, some life-changing surprises. And of course, a lot of mistakes to be made. But in the end, it’ll all be worth it. You are worth it, and I’m so proud of you and your parents, for you’ve all come such a long way.
in between borders 